The Shrektastic true story of Bleach
by Mr. Anaconda
Summary: Ichigo Kurosaki is visited at night by a strange figure... And it's not Rukia Kuchiki.
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone! This is my first story on this site, and I wanted to make a short story to get started. I doubt anyone will actually read this, but whatever.

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><p><strong><span>The Shrektastic true story of Bleach<span>**

My name is Ichigo Kurosaki.

I was 15 years old.

I've had the ability to see ghosts for as long as I can remember.

I also had orange hair, which caused me to get bullied at school.

Whenever I came home late because I was helping a ghost, my dad would beat me.

"What kind of father attacks his son for being late, after he helped a spirit find peace?" I asked.

"Silence! So it's the ghosts fault now, is it?" He responded.

I try attacking him, but he kicks me and sends me to bed.

I'm laying on my bed facedown. The open window lets in a cool breeze.

"What is love?" I ask myself. "What is life?"

Suddenly, a smell of onions tingle my nose.

I see the silhouette of a figure moving across my room.

"Who are you, and what are you doing in my house?" I ask.

The person doesn't respond.

"If your trying to rob my house, your not doing a good job." I say.

The person says in a low voice, "it's here."

"What's here, the safe?" I say as I jump out of bed and drop kick the person in the back.

The figure turns around, as if my kick did nothing to him. I see him in the light from the window. The beast stood at almost 7 feet tall, and he had green skin.

"What do yer think ya doin, laddie?" It asks in a deep voice. I cannot speak.

The beast stares at me, then suddenly sees a ghost hiding next to my closet.

He grabs the ghost by the neck, and sticks a finger in his long green ear, and pulls out a meter long stick of earwax. He burbs and the tip catches fire, like a candle. He sticks the opposite side of the candle up the ghost's anus.

"I don't won't to go to hell." The ghost whispers.

Where your going is not hell." The beast says. It's called the soul society, where spirits go to find rest."

The ghost looks up, a twinkle in his eye. "Really?" He asks.

The beast looks at him in the eye. "No."

Before the ghost can do anything, the beast whispers "This is the part where you run away." He then proceeded to pull the earwax candle so deep in the ghost, that he turned into an onion.

I try running away, but the beast grabs my leg.

"Where do yer think yer goin ladie?" He asks. I try to answer, but no words come out.

He leans in close to my ear and whispers "This is my swamp now".

I almost faint. How could I have forgotten about him? It was the Ogerlord Shrek.

I fall to my hands and knees. I am ashamed of how I acted in from of his magesty.

"Please forgive me, great onion King." I whisper. "Don't grind my bones for bread".

Shrek chuckles. "Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, th're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, and squeeze the jelly from yer eyes!" Shrek pauses for a moment. "Actually, it's quite good on toast."

I bow my head in shame. I know what I must do for forgetting him.

"Oh great Shrek, I am not worthy to live. Dispose of me."

Shrek gently touches my chin and tilts my head up. "Yer don't have to be ashamed laddie, I've always thought of you like a son. In fact, I've always wanted to give you some of me powers."

I could not believe what I was hearing. I bend over and await his zanpakutō to enter me.

Shrek drops his pants, uncovering a massive green zanpakutō. The two onions dangling beneath it give off a sweet smell.

I'm ready.

Shrek inserts the zanpakutō into me. It's so long that it touches my heart.

Suddenly, an explosion went off from inside me. It was equivalent to a Shrektomic bomb.

When the white swamp fog cleared, I was wearing a black robe and holding a zampakutō. I was a Shrekigami.

Shrek was gone. He had left through the window.

I close my eyes and pray to Shrek, thanking him for giving me powers.

"Shrek is love." I say. "Shrek is life."

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><p>Well, how did you like it? Just another Shrek story? I will be uploading long stories (that do not involve the Ogre Lord) in the future. Unless you guys want more Shrek.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It is the first day of school.

I walk into my classroom, my friends greet me.

Orihime asks "How was your summer Ichigo?"

I reply by saying "It was Shrektastic."

Uryū Ishida looks at me and says "Really Ichigo, get a life. Shrek is drek."

I tell him to check himself, before he shreks himself.

Uryù is pissed off by this. He tells me to meet him after school to "discuss things".

The school day goes on. I think I'm the only Shrekigami in the school, because a Shrekigami leaves an onion scent that only other Shrekigamis can smell.

When school ends, I follow Uryū into an ally. This will all be ogre soon.

"Don't even try to attack me Ichigo, I know that you are a Shrekigami." Uryū says.

"How does he know?" I wonder.

"If your wondering how I know, it's because I could sense your onion energy. I'm a Farquincy." Uryū says.

I could not believe it. He was a Farquincy, the sworn enemy of the Shrekigami.

"You shouldn't have told me that, Farqueer." I say with my fists clenched. "Because your about to experience the shrekoning."

I pull an onion out of my back pack, and use it to stroke my dick. It was about to happen.

My dick suddenly absorbs the onion juice and grows 7 feet long, turned green, and changed itself into a sword.

I grasp my zanpakutō.

I swing at Uryū, but he jumps out of the way.

He lands a few feet away and looks up. "Never have I seen a zanpakutō that big. Tell me it's name."

I swing at him again. "Shrekgetsu" I yell. I hit his shoulder and slice his arm off.

Uryū falls to the ground.

I hold my zanpakutō up for the finishing blow.

Suddenly, The cross bracelet on Uryū's wrist begins to glow. It turns into Fairy Godmother.

She heals his arm and gives him a bow and arrow. The cowardly weapon of the Farquincy.

It was two on one.

I try to attack both with my massive zanpakutō, but I miss.

Uryū shoots an arrow and it hits my chest.

I fall to the ground in pain

Fairy Godmother holds a wand up to my neck.

"See, I told you that Shrek is drek." Uryū says.

Just when I thought my life would be ogre, a loud music begins to play from the sky. Smash Mouth Allstars.

Shrek comes crashing down in a fiery chariot pulled by Donkey.

He runs over Fairy Godmother.

Uryū tries to run away, but Shrek throws an onion grenade at him. Uryū gets knocked off his feet, but is still alive.

Shrek jumps out of the chariot. "A Farquincy eh, I haven't seen one of those in 200 years."

I turn to Shrek. "Shall I finish him off, Onion King?"

"No, my Shrekling." He replies. "I got this one."

Shrek rips his clothes off, revealing his massive green zanpakutō.

He doesn't use it though, he does something just as deadly.

Shrek grabs Uryū and sticks him up his plump green rectum, and uses him as a human dildo.

Uryū's screams of terror become muffled each time he enters.

"Oh yeah, better out than in, I always say." Shrek says as he pulls out what is left of Uryū Ishida.

I look at Shrek. "Is it ogre?"

"No laddie, it ain't ogre yet." He responds.

Shrek places me on my hands and knees, then inserts his zanpakutō into my mouth.

It tasted like onions and love.

When we finished, Shrek climbs back into his chariot and begins to fly away.

"Wait, Shrek, I don't think I'm ready to be left on my own." I say. "I couldn't even defeat a Farquincy."

Shrek looks at me and smiles. "It was two on one laddie, I don't expect yer to win those."

"But Shrek, I WANT to defeat them. For you." I say.

Shrek winks and says "Use your Bankai. Get to know your zanpakutō."

Then he flies away.

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.


End file.
